“I do love green, I do love trees, I do love nature… but for me, I really don’t have a specific place where I can say that I really want to go to. Because, for me it’s just the people. I am more into the people than the places. So if this person makes me feel like home or if these people make me feel like home that is where I would want to be. So I would want to visit my friend.
uuhm, he says he is not really in the mood to mingle with people or.. you know… just… I think he is sort of figuring himself out and trying to be alone. So I would want to be there so that I could make life easier for him or I don’t know… yeah… I would want to visit my friend. “
“Ooookkay,” [a slow start]
“So this is something that has to be in my childhood. I think this is the most vivid coz not many things happened when I was a child. I was really the quite child. I was the listener not the talker and I really didn’t interact with my family or friends or anyone. I would just keep to myself. And this really made people take advantage of me. Like I wouldn’t say no. I still don’t know how to say no. [short inhale] I am learning. I remember this time in class five I was doing homework with my friend who is a guy. He was also in class five and we were at their house. And so… yeah.. the sister sort of sent the brother outside and so we are left with the sister. It is just me and the sister. So… [brief pause] the sister, you know, tries to act caring and asks me about the homework. So… it reaches a time when she’s.. she’s..she’s touching me and uuhhhh, I find it really uncomfortable and I’m like.. Okay, this is a chick so it should be cool coz in school we are taught that when a guy tries to touch you, you say no. So if it’s a lady who is touching you … I didn’t know. [very light chuckle] So she starts touching me and then she leads me to the bed. And… yeah… so things happened and she had sex with me and I didn’t say anything to anyone. I did not know how to. I did not know if it was wrong in the first place. It happened for a couple of times. You know… It used to be routine and uuuhhmm maybe I got used to it and it started being nice. Feeling nice… and… yeah… it really felt nice.”
And maybe after a year the same thing happened to me. It was a cousin this time. It was a chick. My cousin who’s a chick. And it happened and I also felt good. So I think it is powerful because this has affected…uuuhm it affected how… I think it affected my sexuality coz when we were in class six I really didn’t get attracted to men or boys. [light chuckle] So if guys… if girls were sending letters to boys or just making moves I did not understand. in highschool when girls were grinding on boys I did not understand. And I did not understand why girls used to make a fuss about men because I did not have any sexual or physical attraction to men. And that is how my highschool was and I really got attracted to women. So you can imagine how hard it was for me. I think that is why it is powerful. Because it has affected my whole life. Like… [brief pause] I don’t know what to do with myself anymore coz you’re just there, you’re single, people ask you why you are single and you’re like… you don’t have a valid reason. And people pressure you to get someone. Get someone. But I do not want to be with a man. [mixed chuckle] Coz if I was with a man maybe it would be to please my parents because I would not want to tell them this story. They would not understand coz they are just… I don’t know what to call them. So Yeah [short exhale] that is my powerful and vivid memory.”
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